Pronunciation: SELF-ish-nis
Simple meaning
Selfishness means being mainly concerned with oneself, one’s own wants, one’s own comfort, or one’s own interests.
Today, people often hear selfishness as a harsh insult. In Big Book study, the word is serious, but it needs to be read carefully. It does not mean a person is worthless. It points to a pattern where self becomes too central.
Older meaning
Older dictionary definitions often describe selfishness as excessive concern for one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, often without proper regard for others.
That older meaning matters because selfishness is not only about obvious greed. It can also show up in fear, control, resentment, self-pity, dishonesty, people-pleasing, or the need to manage outcomes.
Why this word matters
In Big Book reading, “selfishness” is one of the major words used to describe the alcoholic’s trouble.
The word can be uncomfortable because many people do not want to think of themselves as selfish. Some people may also swing the other direction and use the word to attack themselves without seeing clearly.
Selfishness is worth studying because it can show up in different forms.
Sometimes it is obvious: taking, demanding, using, blaming, or refusing responsibility.
Sometimes it is quieter: needing approval, trying to control what others think, hiding the truth, avoiding discomfort, or making decisions from fear.
In that sense, selfishness does not always look loud or arrogant. It can also hide underneath shame, insecurity, and the need to protect oneself.
Common misunderstanding
A common misunderstanding is to think selfishness only means being greedy or arrogant.
Another misunderstanding is to think that seeing selfishness means condemning the whole person.
In Big Book study, the point is not to create self-hatred. The point is to see the pattern clearly enough that a new way of living becomes possible.
A useful question is:
Where was I placing myself, my fear, my comfort, my image, or my control at the center?
Helpful meeting handle
A common recovery idea is that selfishness can be more than “wanting my way.”
That can be a useful handle. Selfishness may include wanting my way, but it may also include wanting to avoid pain, avoid truth, avoid responsibility, or avoid feeling vulnerable.
The word becomes more useful when it helps a person see patterns, not when it is used as a club.
Study note
This website works best with a copy of the Big Book in your hand. Look for the word “selfishness” in the first 164 pages and nearby discussion. Notice whether the surrounding passage is talking about self-centeredness, fear, control, resentment, dishonesty, harm, or the need for a new basis of living.
Related words
self-centeredness
fear
resentment
honesty
humility