Pronunciation: self-SEN-terd-nis
Simple meaning
Self-centeredness means having oneself at the center of one’s thinking, motives, concerns, or actions.
Today, people often use self-centered to describe someone who is obviously arrogant, demanding, or inconsiderate. In Big Book study, the word can be broader than that. It can describe a way of living where self is at the center, even when the person does not appear loud, proud, or confident.
Older meaning
Older dictionary definitions often connect self-centered with being centered in oneself, occupied with oneself, or concerned mainly with one’s own interests.
That older meaning matters because self-centeredness is not only about obvious ego. It can also show up as fear, control, self-pity, insecurity, people-pleasing, resentment, or the need to manage how others see us.
Why this word matters
In Big Book reading, “self-centeredness” is closely connected with selfishness and the need for a new basis of living.
The word can be uncomfortable because many people hear it as an insult. But in study, it can be used as a way to see a pattern.
Self-centeredness may show up when a person keeps asking:
How does this affect me?
How do I look?
How can I stay safe?
How can I stay in control?
How can I avoid being hurt, exposed, corrected, or disappointed?
That kind of self-focus can become exhausting. It can also make honesty, trust, service, and spiritual growth difficult.
Common misunderstanding
A common misunderstanding is to think self-centeredness always means arrogance.
Sometimes it does. But self-centeredness can also look like shame, fear, withdrawal, self-pity, or constant worry about what others think.
Another misunderstanding is to think that seeing self-centeredness means hating oneself. It does not. The point is not self-hatred. The point is seeing clearly where self has become the center, so a different way of living can become possible.
A useful question is:
Where was I making myself, my fear, my image, my comfort, or my control the center of the situation?
Helpful meeting handle
A common recovery idea is that the problem is not always thinking too highly of oneself, but thinking of oneself too much.
That can be a useful handle. It helps include both obvious pride and hidden self-absorption.
But the phrase is only a starting point. In Big Book study, the word becomes useful when it helps a person see patterns and move toward honesty, usefulness, service, and dependence on something greater than self.
Study note
This website works best with a copy of the Big Book in your hand. Look for the word “self-centeredness” and related ideas in the first 164 pages and nearby discussion. Notice whether the surrounding passage is talking about selfishness, fear, control, resentment, dishonesty, usefulness, or a new way of living.
Related words
selfishness
fear
resentment
humility
service